But You Give It To Me Anyway
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or presecution or famin or nakedness or danger or sword?”- Romans 8:35
In the car listening to Plumb, Don’t Deserve You, on the Z 88.3. I was struck by a thought, on days that I am struggling with PMDD I don’t feel I deserve to be loved.
The feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t even feel love for myself let alone feel God’s, unconditional love. There are many times during these ten days of hormonal rage that consume every fiber of my being. My PMDD symptoms and my inherent human nature cause me to fall short of God‘s expectations for my life while keeping me in shame. The lies that PMDD feeds me sometimes become all I can see. My alter ego takes hold of my life refusing to see the truth.
PMDD is a thieve that steals my feelings of love from the one who knows me best. Only once I receive a gentle reminder from the Holy Spirit it brings me back to feeling like God’s Girl. God’s Love is Completely undeserved; that principle helps the frightened little girl inside me find comfort in the darkness.
“You’re the light inside my eyes, Give me a reason to keep trying, Give me more than I could dream, And you bring me to my knees, You bring me to my knees” -Plumb, Don’t Deserve You
Can’t Get Enough
“As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered”-Roamn 8:36
One of the most significant challenges of PMDD is the feeling of having multiple personalities, explicitly having two distinct personalities. In psychology, it’s called dissociative identity disorder. Dissociate Identity Disorder (DID) is when a person develops more than one personality, each with its associated sense of self. Susan Krauss Whitbourne further describes it in the book Abnormal Psychology writing “The separate personalities seem to have their unique characteristic way of perceiving, relating to, and thinking.”(222)
***I am making a diagnosis on my self not anyone else with PMDD. It is me giving an example of what I feel like on those PMDD days. In hopes that people who do not understand PMDD can better get a picture of the PMDD suffers struggle.***
The reality is that I feel like two individual people. I discuss some of it here I’m The Happiest When I Bleed: PMDD & Me. Let’s call the PMDD me Eckwitch because that is who I am on those days a crazy B****. I am a nasty human being, a screamer, snarky, catty, annoyed, raging mad, and just plain old unpleasant.
” Your heart is gold and how am I the one. That you’ve chosen to love, I still can’t believe that you’re right next to me, After all that I’ve done”- Plumb Don’t Deserve You
You’re Everything I Need
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”-Romans 8:37
Another struggle that consumes me is the lack of interest in human interaction. It affects me so much that I have canceled appointments on the basis that speaking to another person brings me pure anxiety. I don’t want to spend time with family, don’t like anyone talking to me, I dislike even myself. Eckwitch is in real isolation mode.
The strength it takes for me to physically function is remarkable and exhausting on its own. I am in my head the whole time I am saying ” I need to get up and go, the responsibilities that go undone, just keep hunting me in my head. Telling me, I need to clean, cook, I need to be present, I need to help, I need, I need… ” Yet all I can do is sit! I am to overwhelmed even to keep my thoughts straight. When you feel nothing, and you still have to function the idea alone can keep you in bed for hours. It is then that I know I need My Lord to be ME, be everything I can’t, and let me rest in Him.
“And never give up, When I’m Falling apart you’re arms are always open wide, And you’re quick to forgive, When I make a mistake, You love me in the blink of an eye” – Plumb, Don’t Deserve You
And When I Walk Away
Runaway That is what I want to do! I want to run from my husband, my kids, and my self. Eckwitch wants to get away to a place that requires nothing from me, a place I can just be a body with no human emotions and just be nothing. There are no expectations on what I am supposed to do, who I am expected to be not to have any rules, only to breath.
It is so scary when I have those feelings; I have to force my self to talk, walk, participate in life. I can’t just sit with a glass of wine and watch the world go on without me. But I so desperately want to; I desire to sit and watch and wait till it’s over. Run, that’s exactly what I want to do, Run!
Instead, I lean on Jesus, because it can be so easy to run. The world has led us to believe that we can do whatever we want, that we can live our days based on our feelings. That’s is not what God intended, so here, right here is where I have to choose to let him pull me back in. I don’t run, but I do rest, I do sit and let my mind and body rest.
“Take off running and come right after me, It’s what you do, And I don’t deserve you’- Plumb- Don’t Deserve You
You’re the reason that I’m alive
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”- Romans 8:38-39
Many women who suffer from PMDD have suicidal thoughts, some have lost their lives because they have succumbed to the idea. The suffering a woman must feel to conclude that life is no longer an option is so disturbing. The truth is that I am not surprised, I have had very dark days on PMDD that have brought up some terrifying thoughts. Thankfully because of God’s grace I have never contemplated suicide.
Because of Him
My life belongs to Jesus, always has and always will, even before I had accepted his gift of salvation I belonged to Him. The difference between then and now is that I have a beautiful, never changing, never-ending, relationship with my Lord. It is what has made the difference in my life and what has kept me Alive. When you know that you are loved so profoundly without ending or condition, then you can get past the darkest of days. My PMDD days suck, they come once a month every month. Most likely for the rest of my life and that’s okay. I have a love that endures all things for all of the eternity of God.
Do you want to know the best part… YOU, yes YOU, can too! Pick up a bible ask him to come into your life, accept his gift of salvation. I promise it will be the best decision you have ever made. God will love you till the end of time, in the darkest of your days, He will show you the light! What I won’t promise is a life free of PMDD, Postpartum Depression, or any other illness. He vows to be with you and to love you. It will change your perspective and bring you a spiritual life that can endure the hellish of days! You Don’t have to do it Alone, not anymore.
“You’re the first face that I see, And the last thing I think about, You’re the reason that I’m alive, You’re what I can’t live without”- Plumb, Don’t Deserve You
Don’t Believe The Lie
Here is the truth about God’s Love; “If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. anso we know and rely on the love God has for us.” – 1 John 4:15
“God is Love. Whoever lives in love lives in God and God in him.”-1 John 4:16
“Love never Fails…”- 1 Corinthians 13:8
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”- Romans 5:8
Listen To Plumb, and tell me what you think?
How about you:
- What is the hardest part of PMDD?
- What speaks to you on the days that you feel hopeless?
- How Can I bring you, Hope?