Do You Still Love Me?
Initially, when the thought came to me to create a, My Partners PMDD Survival Guide, I wanted to create a source for the partners/spouses of PMDD suffers to aid both of them in navigating the rough waters of Hell Week. The second thought was I would sit and write a post on ways and advice that came from women with PMDD, to better educated on how to care for their partner/spouse. It made sense something to go along with the guide and honest talk about what to expect from women with PMDD.
Until about a week ago when my husband expressed to me that many of the men in his support group are heartbroken. He explained that on a regular basis the men are in a painful limbo that teeters between love and hate. But, not because they don’t know if they LOVE their wife or partner but because they don’t know If they are loved by them or hated. ( I write Men, but it is all partners of a PMDD sufferer)
Then I realized, I can’t write a blog post to a partner/spouse about HOW to be with their PMDD women. How? Not only because I am not the partner or spouse, but because I don’t understand How they feel.
All I kept thinking was…Do we still love our partners/spouses?
A Dark Hole
What many people don’t understand about PMDD is the lack of feeling that resides inside. It is like an empty hole is inside of you where there use to be emotion and feeling, but for a couple of days to a couple of weeks, they have disappeared. The emptiness is so vast that you don’t even have an emotion for yourself. You don’t have any feelings for you as a person.
It is a scary thing when you don’t have any feelings. There is a part of you that tells you that the emptiness is not real. Like a whisper in your ear reminding you of the Love you once had for yourself and everyone else around you. It can get frighting to think that you can look at your self and a loved one an just be mute! The nothingness is a scary place to be as you can feel like a walking, performing, talking, sack of bones.
Unfortunately, that’s when your partner/spouse suffer the most, Why? Because when you don’t have feelings, you have no filter! When there is nothing there to fill you with love, then you also lose patience and kindness. Making every situation either explosive or aloof, leaving the partners/spouses confused.
Between the Heart & The Mind
But how do we express love when we can’t even feel it for ourselves. In our hearts we feel nothing, in our mind, we feel out-of-control, and somewhere in between we know we do love our partners/spouses, but we can’t pull it up.
I know I love my husband, when I look at him I can almost feel the little hearts of love popping out of my head. When I look at his face, I just want to touch it, caress the side of his cheek and just nuzzle myself in the crook of his neck. I love his smell, No really, I love the way he smells, not when he wears cologne but His unique scent. I love his laugh; His laugh is magical, he could be watching people putting socks on, and if he broke into laughter, I promise, you will too. When he is happy he is like the Sun, I can bask in him forever.
On PMDD days well, my mind has to pull those thoughts out to the front of my mind. Those days, where there is an emptiness in my soul, it is that glimmer that I pull forward that reminds me of my love for him. But, let me be clear here, it does not mean that I don’t fight with him or that I am all googly eyes. What it means is that it helps me to remember that despite my current feeling, I know I love Him and that telling him otherwise would just be an act of pettiness.
Seek The Source
Feelings are so fickle; they can change from one minute to the next without any warning, especially for a woman with PMDD. The expectation that we should rely on our feeling to determine how we will be with our partners/spouse is ridiculous! The Love that we should have for our partners/spouse should be and can only be binding, committed, and authentic. Anything else will not work because True Love will KNOW they love their partner/spouses despite the circumstances, despite their ever-changing feelings.
“We Love because he first Loved us.” 1 John 4:19
But knowing is not enough, we have to experience love first to give that kind of love to our partners/spouses. How can we love them when we can’t even love ourselves or how would we know what we need from them if we have never experienced that form of love?
“God is Love. Whoever lives in Love lives in God, and God In him.” 1 John 4:16
There is only One Person that can Love us unconditionally, without prejudice, all-consuming, never changing, and never failing, God!
For us to have the reminder of the Love we feel for our partner/spouses we must Love God first and accept His love back. Why? Because without his love we will never feel like LOVING our partners/spouses on PMDD days. He is the only one that can remind us that we are Loved, and when we are reminded of that, we can then see that we do Love our partner/spouses.
So Do I Love My Partner/Spouse
I can’t answer that question for anyone else but my self, as I am in control of only my emotions. But what I can say is this, If you are a woman on PMDD that tracks her symptoms, I urge you to sit down on the days before ovulation and write down everything that made you fall in love, keep you in love, about your partners/spouse. I encourage you to sit down a envision a life lived without them and their love. Be honest with yourself and about your spouse, it will only help if you are sincere.
Then ask, Do I Love My Partner/Spouse?
I bet that you do, if you didn’t, you would not try to find ways to help them and yourself. You would not seek a place where you could get advice on how to aid you when you have messed up. Or try to find someone that may understand you, so you don’t feel alone and have to dump those feeling on your partner/spouse.
Write yourself a reminder somewhere about those things you love so much about your partner/spouse and on PMDD days pull them out! You don’t have to jump their bones as soon as you see them again. But let them know, “I love you, at this moment I may not be able to show it, but I love you, and I love _______, Thank you for loving me and being here for me!”
Everyone wants to be loved, including our partners/spouses.
I would love to share with you My Partners Survival Guide to My PMDD, take it and sit with your partner and fill it out. It is a great way to help both of you to come to an understanding when PMDD hits. Like I say it is always better to be Proactive than Reactive!