For ten days out of the month, I don’t recognize my self! My life stops being beautiful, my hearts stops experiencing joy, and I stopped existing.
It is a nightmare that comes month after month. Leaving me so unproductive, and completely devastated. Every month for 7-10 days I feel emotionally, intellectually and physically paralyzed.
It feels as if my brain was covered by a fog-like blanket overwhelming me completely and taking me under quickly.
Eyes WIDE shut
A sleepless nightmare that bombarded my every waking hour with thoughts of all my past failures. This nightmare that is intensified by severe insomnia hunts me. Leaving me feeling betrayed by my body and desperately holding on to any shred of strength I can find.
Physically I want to lay on my couch and watch mindless TV all day instead of getting up. The routines and alarms that help me every other day are going off, and I am just swiping them away. My unrelenting insomnia only fuels my fatigue and makes just the thoughts of having any physical activity exhausting.
My fatigue is so consuming that I feel depressed, anxious and annoyed. Somedays I have to decide between what duties will get my attention, which one can I manage without having a nerves breakdown, what is more, important a shower or dinner.
If and when I do make it to the shower, the thought of washing my hair send me into tears of exhausted quiet sobs. So, I just get out, and wrap a towel around myself and lay there waiting to find some strength to keep going.
The extream urge to eat salty, sweet and often is relentless. The binges cause me to sabotage any progress I’ve made when I am on my good days and eating clean. Which in turn causes me to plunge into extreme guilt. Yet, the guilt is not enough to keep me from eating uncontrollably.
The worst part is not all those physical symptoms, no! The worst is the thoughts and emotional emptiness that consumes me.
In my head logically I know I love my Kids, But The joy I get from my children is gone, and it is replaced with impatience. Every little thing makes me lose it, I yell at the slightest mishap, even the sounds of my babies playing makes me lose my cool. I love them, but in those days I don’t feel love.
As a mother that knowledge and lack of feelings leave me further disturbed. Which further sinks me into the dark corners of this horrible nightmare.
As a wife, I am entirely useless! My husband is the most loving and patient man I have ever met, but I can’t even hear him speak without wanting to scream at him. I see him, and I know that I love him inside of me, but I can’t feel anything. But at the same time, I want him to hold me, to baby me, to care for me like a child. Unfortunately what ends up happening most of the time is we fight, and I end up wanting to be alone.
This nightmare has a name, PMDD and I am one-in-twenty women that struggle with a vicious cycle month after month.
PMDD grips me like a snake around its victims neck slowly suffocating the real me till there is no me left.PMDD takes every happy feeling loving feeling I have and erases it from my heart!
The relief comes only when I get my period, when I bleed, the minute that it starts to flow out of me is the minute the relive comes. It is instant and swift. It is a moment of pure joy that I could never really put into words. So while the rest of the female race is complaining about getting the period, I am dancing with victory in my heart. Then I feel again, love again, believes again, I am ME again.
What Is PMDD full name Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a condition in which fourteen to five days before menstruation a woman experiences severe PMS symptoms that include depression, irritability, insomnia, fatigue, tension, brain fog, and lack of focus? In most cases, the symptoms subside once menstruation begins or shortly after that.
The condition’s symptoms persist every month a woman is in her reproductive age. PMDD, can’t be escaped, it may be less intense sometimes, but it never leaves.
After three babies my body betrayed me with a condition barely anyone has heard about. The medical professionals do not want to acknowledge it, to them is as it is an emotional woman problem. When I mentioned it to my family and friends, they say “Oh Yeah your period !” Reducing it to nothing more than a normal condition that merits no additional care.
Consequently, many women including me have to seek answers from the internet instead of getting proper care from their medical providers. Because PMDD seems to only exist in the realm of the internet, outside of it is JUST PMS. Out of the world wide web no one has heard of PMDD, and no one understands PMDD.
Making the days that PMDD hits that much more difficult. PMDD is not all in my head, it is not something I made up, and it most definitely is not JUST PMS.
You are Not Alone
Does this sound familiar? Do you see yourself in me?
Then know you are not alone and there are places you can go for support and guidance.
There are thousands of women that feel just like you. If you are on Facebook, I have a private Facebook Group you can join Called Committed PMDD Sisters. It is a small group of fellow PMDD sister just like you and me. Together we will get through this nightmare, come share with us your journey let us encourage you, support you, and love on you. hope seeking, encourage giving women. Click on the link and come join us, let us support you on your journey.